Q: We have two teens, a son and a daughter. For the most part, they are doing quite well. But, I'm having a difficult time understanding their emotions. Sometimes, they get upset about something that to me seems like no big deal. Other times, something significant happens and it doesn't seem to bother them. I want to understand them and their feelings more.

A: Parents are often perplexed by what they identify as their teens' emotionality. On the other hand, teens are often flummoxed by what they perceive as their parents' irrationality. For the sake of everyone's sanity, it is important to find some common ground. Surprisingly, the common ground may most easily be found in the emotional realm.

Parents need to learn the basics about emotions, how they work, and how to manage them effectively. After all, it becomes much easier to understand your teens' world-view if you are emotionally balanced yourself. To that end, here is a brief Emotions 101 course.

Whether you are a child, teen, or adult, your negative feelings follow the same cyclical path. If you experience something hurtful (loss of love, control, or self-worth experienced as disappointment, sadness, etc.) and fail to express your pain effectively, over time that hurt will transform into anger ranging from mild irritation all the way to rage. A portion of that anger gets self-directed, what we call guilt. If you withhold anger and guilt for an extended period of time, you put yourself at risk for becoming depressed. Depression is basically the energy loss you feel from trying to contain anger and guilt. Finally, depression itself results in hurtful experiences (loss of enjoyment, job, motivation) and the cycle continues.

Hurt is pain in the present. Anger, guilt, and depression evidence your pain from the past. And anxiety is fear of future loss or pain.

In essence, mental health is telling the person who hurt you, that he hurt you, when he hurt you. This results in an immediate expulsion of the pain, better communication with those you love, and an opportunity for your loved one to realize that they have hurt you and to ask for and receive forgiveness.

Parents can help themselves and their teens by learning to identify their emotions as they are occurring, express their hurt in the present, and by teaching their children to do the same. If your teen is angry about something realize that he is using anger to show that he is hurt and to keep people distant. Don't ask him, “Why are you so angry?” Instead, think about the Feeling Cycle and say, “I see you are angry. What happened that hurt you?” This helps to dissipate the intensity of his anger, enables him to identify and express his hurt, and to develop strategies for the future.

The next time your teen has a strong emotional response to something, don't dismiss it as an overreaction. Instead, seize it as an opportunity to teach some Emotions 101.