Q: My ex-wife lives out of state and hasn't had much contact with my 15-year-old daughter for the past six years. My daughter is a wonderful girl and I think we've both adjusted fairly well. But, I've never gotten around to talking with her about sex. It seems so awkward and I figured they teach sexual education in school anyway. Should I talk with her or just leave it alone?

A: Parents look forward to having a “sex talk” with their teens with about the same degree of desire as bungee jumping off a 75-foot platform with a 70-foot cord. Almost any excuse can be found to avoid taking the plunge.

I must plead to being no better. Parenteen columns have tackled a variety of topics. But, I managed to avoid sexual matters, reasoning they were not appropriate fodder for our community newspaper. My avoidance was shattered after reading an article in the current issue of Pediatrics .

In a recent study, ninth graders from two California schools were queried about their behavior and attitudes pertaining to oral sex. Approximately 20% of respondents reported that they had engaged in the behavior and about 1/3 planned on trying within the next six months. The teens viewed the behavior as “less risky, more common and more acceptable for their age group than intercourse.” Boys and girls reported similar attitudes.

It is quite clear that parents have some talking to do with their teens. Recognize that your teen may be just as uncomfortable as you are and acknowledge the mutual discomfort. Assure your teen that the discussion is borne from love not as an effort to cause embarrassment or as an indictment of your teen.

Discuss with your teen the potential physical, emotional, mental, and relational consequences of sexual activity. Educate them about the risks of pregnancy and disease. Let them know that you do not believe they are prepared to handle the emotional and cognitive consequences that arise when a relationship is elevated to a sexual level. Their friends' impressions will change. And, more importantly, their self perception may well diminish.

One the greatest impacts you can have upon your teen is a frank discussion about the values held by your family. Talk about how sometimes our desires and urges conflict with our values and religious beliefs. Such conflicts are a test of character. After all, sexual curiosity does not have to equate to sexual activity.

Parents should also reflect upon the impact of their own behavior upon their teens' beliefs about sexuality.