Q: My son is 16 years old and a great kid. For the most part, he does what he is told, is doing well in school, and respects his mom and me. Lately, he has been really pushing the curfew limits, coming in up to an hour after he should be home. We stay up until he gets home and there are no signs that he has been drinking. We've talked with him three times and he just says it is no big deal and that he just was having fun with his friends. How do we get this to stop so we can get our sleep?

A: Mutual respect is essential for a family to function effectively. Since your son typically acts respectfully toward you and his mother it is possible that he does not view breaking curfew as disrespectful behavior. While he obviously knows that breaking curfew is against the family rules, he may believe that the curfew time is arbitrarily set or that it is an unnecessary infringement on his freedom. With that perspective and assuming he is just out having fun with his friends, you can see how it seems like “no big deal” to him.

Before speaking with your son about this issue again, ask several of your friends with teens what curfew times they have set. This will help give you an idea of whether your limits are reasonable. Of course, you are the final determiner of what is appropriate for your family. But, I think taking the time to check with other parents helps defeat the idea that the curfew times are established randomly and without consideration to what makes sense for a responsible teen your son's age.

Next, when you speak with your son, it will be important to frame the discussion around the topic of respectfulness. Let him know how much the two of you appreciate how respectful he typically is and that respectfulness is a sign of good character. Ask him whether or not he intended to be disrespectful when he broke curfew. Undoubtedly, he will tell you that he did not intend to disrespect you. About 95% of hurtful interactions in a family are unintentional. Let him know that you are pleased that it was not his intent to be disrespectful and that he needs to know that you and his mother felt disrespected. Explain to him why that is the case: lost sleep, worry about his safety, etc. Let him know if there are any changes to his curfew time.

We all have various strengths that make up our character. Those strengths have corresponding weaknesses when overstated or understated. Your son is respectful at his best. When he is showing weakness, however, he will either be blindly compliant or disrespectful. The more he understands his strengths and weaknesses, the more successful he will be socially. You can help him develop this skill by pointing out when he is at his best.