Q: My son argues with me until I am ready to scream. He argues about virtually everything, no matter how trivial. It is like he has to debate every point until I agree that he is right. My husband and daughter say that we are driving them crazy with all the arguing and yelling. How do I get my son to stop?

A: A wise observer of parent/teen communication once said, “arguing with a teenager is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. You are both going to get dirty but only one of you will enjoy it.”

Beth, please notice that when you describe the problem you place the blame on your son. However, your husband and daughter complain that you both are responsible for the high volume in your house. Perhaps they are on to something.

There are two possible explanations for why you and your son argue incessantly. One is that you lack the skills to communicate without arguing. But, I doubt that you spend your day arguing with everyone you come into contact with. The more likely explanation is that, horrors, you and your son are more alike than you might like to admit.

Stop and think about this for a minute. You complain that your son keeps arguing because he has to be right. Well, are you not arguing for the correctness of your position? It appears that you both have a controlling streak, wanting others to think you are right, not wrong, and smart, not stupid. You queried, “How do I get my son to stop?” not “What can I do to improve the situation?” Your question reveals that you see things through a lens of controlling others while minimizing your own responsibility for the problem.

Being called “controlling” these days has about as much appeal as being cast into a vat of boiling water. But, about one-third of the population operates from a controlling style. It is a strength to be in control but a weakness when we are out of control or over-controlling. You have met your match when you attempt to control your son. You then come from weakness and get out of control, arguing and yelling.

There are some things that you can do to improve your communication with your son. Calmly repeat your point of view like a broken record. “Yes, I know you are watching television and I would like you to take out the trash.” “I understand you're tired and I would like you to take out the trash.” While this will frustrate your son, it helps you to communicate without losing self-control.

Another tactic you can use is to actively search for points he is making with which you can agree. Saying, “I see your point,” helps to reduce the combativeness.

Finally, point out three things he is doing right each day. This should help restore the damage done to your relationship and keep you out of the mud.